HER CANDESCENCE

via HER CANDESCENCE

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HER CANDESCENCE

I walked through those glass doors with a knot in my throat… “don’t look back, don’t look back” I whispered under my breath as I left my family behind. On my journey back I didn’t think I would cry but as the aircraft ascended the tears found their way to the surface of my eyelids and I left them to fall. They represented so many things too many to explain and explore. I’ve reconnected with friends I hadn’t seen in many years I’ve seen the toll those years had taken on many. I’ve witnessed the struggles of the poor hoping for a saving grace and the uprising of the affluent and elite. Despite all the ranges I was privy to; one thing never changed. The warmth that is in the DNA of a trini!!! The bustling of the market place at the break of dawn, the taste and aroma that fills the air of freshly cooked food, the hairs that remains in your teeth after sucking a mango, the variations of music being played, the crowing of a cock in the morning (who needs an alarm) the scent of freshly brewed nescafe coffee that resurfaced memories of my Grandmother, the trini dialect as you conversate with the little children “mz laydie,mz laydie”…the cool Caribbean breeze that blows off the beaches, the melting of a snowcone soaked in guava syrup,the breathtaking view from lovers lane, the majestic mountains that is everywhere that reminds you there is a GOD. The vibration you feel from every person who embraces you, the anthem they greeted me with upon my arrival “so long ah ain’t see yuh”…singing it out loud off key and all! The peace and quietude I rediscovered at the peak of Mt St. Benedict. I couldn’t comprehend how people bad talk where their navel string is buried. I do know that on this journey I found my balance and for once in years the scales are even. For those who is waiting to embark on this journey be encouraged I had VERY DARK and BITTER days to get here, many will not tell you that side to their story. In the process I felt like my prayers were falling upon deaf ears. I’ve missed weddings, births, christmases, christenings and burials. I left as I was on the cusp of becoming a young woman and returned A WOMAN.I am made wiser for my struggles, I was made humbled through the process, I was put in situations where my PATIENCE was tested. I acquired STRENGTH I didn’t know I had. I’ve seen the ALMIGHTY preserve me in the valley of dry bones and given me beauty in place of ashes. I’ve had people repeatedly ask “why you ain’t coming home?”…and finding myself wanting to say mind your F*CKING business! However, as Ecclesiastes states and it is true ” EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL IN ITS TIME!!!!!” Wait… whoever you are your BEAUTIFUL TIME IS COMING TO!!!

“IT”…CAME CALLING!!!!

My heart was thumping so hard in my chest and it was only then I realized I was alive.

I am a firm believer of not jumping out of sleep to do anything. It was a rainy September and I had just came home from a long and laborious day. Some much appreciated sleep was well needed and no sooner had my head hit the pillow I fell into a deep sleep. The annoying ringing of my phone stirred me to consciousness,my girlfriends were outside already dressed and waiting for me. I had secretly hoped that they were calling to cancel the plans we had made the previous afternoon. I got dressed hurriedly ran out the door and awaited the tongue lashing they would unleash on me – and they did!!! As we exited the ramp onto the highway no less than 5 mins from my home the car lost control and began to spin out of control. In a moment my life flew before my eyes, I heard screams, banging,glass breaking and then came the SILENCE. I looked up only to notice the car had hit the median and we were now turned into incoming traffic when the true horror began. Cars were zooming by trying there best not to collide with us.A good Samaritan came over and began flailing his arms to alert other drivers of the impending danger. Everything was going at warp speed at which point I looked over at the driver with a gaping wound in her head, yet still conscious and mumbling something that was incoherent. It was obvious she was in shock as her hands were grasping the wheel mercilessly  and with a blank stare on her face.

BANNNNNGGGG!!!!!!! We rolled backward as another vehicle collided with us…air escaped  my lungs as I started to scream…yet no sound came out!!!! I DIDN’T WANT TO DIE THAT NIGHT. Terror set in as my seat belt became a burning torch etching into my skin. It seemed like an eternity before help arrived…I wish I could say we were lucky that night to still be in the land of the living but that was beyond LUCK. I learnt two valid things that will never leave me.

1. GOD HEARD MY PRAYER BEFORE I EVEN UTTER FOR HELP

2. NEVER WILL I EVER LEAVE MY BED TO GO OUT IF THE VIBE ISN’T RIGHT

I cannot say we were not left unscathe, battered or bruised; but I will say this in the face of death we all SURVIVED!

His Diamond in the rough

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Oh my I just missed the train and he’s not going to be happy, I thought to myself at the same time a smile escaped my lips because I know I’m loved. A raindrop splattered across my face and interrupted my thoughts as I realized in my hurry I forgot to grab my Leopard print umbrella as I ran out the door.
Nevertheless that night was going to be a good night.
I ran on to the opposite platform and got on the train and closed my eyes.
I arrived at the Russian Tea room and was equally impress with the ambiance and the cosy intimate vibe it exuded.
“Hi beautiful”he said as he rose up planting a kiss on my lips “don’t you smell divine” he exclaimed…”you don’t look so bad yourself” I retorted. All the while my mind was thinking that some good dark chocolate would be a well deserving desert after dinner.
We talked for awhile about life,us and about breaking the wonderful news to both of our families.
You see a year ago we had tied the knot at a secluded destination and decided to do a small renewal in front of a selective few. We had met each other 10 yrs before we started dating and after reconnecting 10yrs later, the timing was right and on a whim we got married.

This man I’m fortunate to have in my life simply adores me. I never really knew my heart had space again to accommodate another person on such a level. Dinner ended and as we walked out the front door of the restaurant he blurted out I loved you from day one and I knew then one day I’ll get that opportunity. This man makes me happy. A grateful heart is always rewarded  and in that moment I realized how blessed I was to have found the piece that completes me.

The Valley

I knew all to well the putrid scent of death

The death of broken dreams and diminishing hopes

I know the pangs of hunger,of an empty stomach and the hunger to see my life align as I envisioned it to always be.

I know the pounding of a relentless headache of stress dragging me to the edge of depression

I had no strength then and have very little now

I live in the valley most days and labor to pull myself from it’s grasp

Most days I feel like I’ve failed and someone  comes along and puts a temporary smile on my face

I know that they will eventually leave…for they always do

I know what it is to toil all night and come home empty handed.

Most times I sing…”they think I sing because I’m happy”

I draw on a melody because even I know if I stop I shall surely die.

This puzzle of my life is missing so many valuable pieces

I’ve given them away to undeserving souls who like vultures stood by waiting…WAITING and WANTING!!!

I rather stay in the Valley a familiar place to me

At least I know now what I hadn’t then; that nothing good  lives in the darkness.

I DREAM

I dream of a life where I’m seated at my kitchen table coffee in hands and curled up in my robe in front of my laptop…my soul is unsatisfied at where I’m at.

I’m writing this so the universe would see that I’m ready and willing to do what it takes to attain the life I’ve always envisioned. 

I dream of jetsetting to the Maldives,seeing the pyramids of Egypt and bathing in the Nile river

I want to be baptized in the waters of Santorini Greece

I want to see the seven wonders of the world and write my best piece yet

I dream of walking away with the pulitizer prize

I dream of days of lunches with women of a same mindset and caliber as myself

I want to wake up to a sunrise cascading through bamboo blinds kissing my caramel brown melinated skin

I want to soak in fresh milk and the finest muneca honey 
To listen to the songs of Pavarotti and sounds of chirping birds

To walk in the lavender  fields of France and smell the crispness of the air there .

I want to see the snow peaks of Switzerland and the purity it exudes

I want to feel the radiance of the warm Caribbean sun on my face as I jump to the sounds of calypso and soca wearing the most enticing costume with sweat running down the crevice of my back pounding the pavement with busy feet and gyrating waist.

Phtographer: Shawn Arlington 

Photo of me September 2015

I want to walk on the Sahara desert and watch my footprint disappear as the sand shifts in another direction.

I want to dance to the congas drums with no inhibitions and drink from the wells of knowledge 
Life is vast,  but for now I’m on my way to the gym where the traction of the treadmill reminds me I’m going somewhere for this isn’t my final destination.

Cracked hands


He was sitting next to me and though he looked like an Adonis his cracked and dried out hands betrayed him.

I saw my ancestors in the lines that connected to create this being. His dark, rich, dipped in ash complexion couldn’t hide the feeling of sadness that I felt as he spoke with me.

It was 8yrs Sandra had departed this life he told me and that was the last day he was happy. “Yes ma’am” he said “she was a great cook who made sure I had a hot lunch to take to work everyday “. He shared that for the last 8yrs he had eaten hot dogs for many lunches and dry biscuit with tea for breakfast and dinner.

Just a passenger on the train having a conversation with me and somehow in that moment I knew I didn’t want to reach a point in my life being lonely. To be alone and lonely are two completely different things. I enjoy being alone for it refreshes and recharges my soul but loneliness; is a definite death sentence.

He shared that they were married for 36yrs and bore four beautiful children.He shared some wisdom with me “Parents don’t like to burden their children they have their lives ahead of them”. I was wiser for listening, for the views of my parents became much more clearer and appreciative. 

I allowed this being to pour out his memories of yesteryear, hopes of tomorrow and dreams of a future yet to come. He shared that when he courted Sandra her brothers had given him a black eye with the promise  to brake several bones in his body if he came again asking to court her. “I didn’t care if they had beaten me to death all I knew is I loved her and she was going to be my wife…and I was right!!!” His eyes lighted up and I could imagine the young vibrant man he used to be. Not wanting to intrude but needing to explore further for my own of satisfaction I asked what was his biggest accomplishments to date. He told me that having his children and being a father to them since he never knew his own father and that every thing he had learned about this important role was through trial and error. He stated ” I wasn’t always right but I was a better man for trying and learning what is right”

I was not fortunate to be born with a golden  spoon in my mouth he exclaimed; but my children are my pride and joy. They are my heritage and I’ve done all I can to ensure their future supercedes mine.

 He showed me his hands palms facing up… “I’ve been a steel bender and these hands have provided me with my daily bread”. We chatted callously about the weather and the humdrum of folks running to enter the train but missing it by a millisecond. 

Without warning he got up “young lady this here is my stop” with extended  hands I reached out and shook his hands those dried, cracked hands. “What’s your name”? I asked. He left me with these words “next time you pass a skyscraper this side of town remember me the man whose hands bend the steel to lay the foundation” 

I believe that we don’t meet people by chance and that our meeting was so that I could bring a little sunshine in his life by regurgitating beautiful memories of a woman he had so loved. I learnt that day that we all want to be remembered for something REMARKABLE  we have done and that a measure of a man is not measured by his name but rather by the WORKS  he has done!